Nausea Sets In
I am so nervous about Later Tonight that it's starting to make me feel physically ill. Maybe it's the Mexican food I ate at lunch. Maybe it's the news that yet another boy has taken to letting me down. On purpose.
I cheated on my last serious boyfriend. There. I said it and now it's out like in a long and horrible game of drunken "Never Have I Ever..." Out like a boner in sweatpants. Out like a lesbian at an Indigo Girls concert (did I cross the line yet?) I sometimes use this event as the explanation for why I tend to gravitate towards boys who are not good enough for me. Never mind the fact that the boy I cheated on treated me badly in the first place, or that I actually thought that the boy I cheated with would actually fall in love with me. I like to pretend that having the experience of sneaking out to the living room in the middle of the night to make out with my boyfriend's roommate was going to give me character. Who knew that all along during all those "family" dinners with all the roommates, that one in particular (who was not my boyfriend) would have his hand on my knee under the table? Experience. And a lifetime (ok, well several years can be a really long time) of regrets, guilt, and -oh yeah- don't forget about the anxiety.
Occasionally when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, when I can't get thoughts out of my head and I can't stop imagining scenarios where where we have a full set of Antonin Scalias running the supreme court for the next 40 years or clothes hangers become the preferred medical equipment of back alley surgeons, my heart starts beating fast, my stomach churns (it has been known to make noises for no apparent reason!), I get either too hot or too cold, and I start breathing faster. This is what's known as anxiety. It rarely happens during the day, but it's been known to take over in a few extreme cases. Today, there is one of two things causing this tiny panic attack to take over my evening.
I'm no stranger to being let down by boys, and today I get the sinking feeling that letdown is on the horizon. Hopefully the next name I add to the list of boys to stop kissing does not become "John Kerry."
Hope is on the way!
I cheated on my last serious boyfriend. There. I said it and now it's out like in a long and horrible game of drunken "Never Have I Ever..." Out like a boner in sweatpants. Out like a lesbian at an Indigo Girls concert (did I cross the line yet?) I sometimes use this event as the explanation for why I tend to gravitate towards boys who are not good enough for me. Never mind the fact that the boy I cheated on treated me badly in the first place, or that I actually thought that the boy I cheated with would actually fall in love with me. I like to pretend that having the experience of sneaking out to the living room in the middle of the night to make out with my boyfriend's roommate was going to give me character. Who knew that all along during all those "family" dinners with all the roommates, that one in particular (who was not my boyfriend) would have his hand on my knee under the table? Experience. And a lifetime (ok, well several years can be a really long time) of regrets, guilt, and -oh yeah- don't forget about the anxiety.
Occasionally when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, when I can't get thoughts out of my head and I can't stop imagining scenarios where where we have a full set of Antonin Scalias running the supreme court for the next 40 years or clothes hangers become the preferred medical equipment of back alley surgeons, my heart starts beating fast, my stomach churns (it has been known to make noises for no apparent reason!), I get either too hot or too cold, and I start breathing faster. This is what's known as anxiety. It rarely happens during the day, but it's been known to take over in a few extreme cases. Today, there is one of two things causing this tiny panic attack to take over my evening.
I'm no stranger to being let down by boys, and today I get the sinking feeling that letdown is on the horizon. Hopefully the next name I add to the list of boys to stop kissing does not become "John Kerry."
Hope is on the way!
posted by Megan at
7:30 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home