Ask Little Lyndsey

A new feature here at TMISE- the advice column.  If you have questions,
feel free to send them here, and I will forward them along to our esteemed
Little Lyndsey.

Dear Little Lyndsey,
I am working towards my life-long dream of working as a barista at
Starbucks Coffee in Washington, D.C. and was wondering if you have any
advice on that?
How can I be sure to get a part time job?  How can I have as much
fun as you seem to?  What should I wear when I submit my application? 
Where am I?
Please help!
Wannabe in 'Bucks


Dear Wannabe in 'Bucks,

i am honored. thrilled. so thrilled and honored.

if you are serious about seeking employment as a barista, i will give you
the same advice that was given to me.

be super-friendly and outgoing when you ask for an application. order a
double-tall latte or a coffee and drink it black.

on your application, talk about how much you love the Starbucks atmosphere,
and how it makes you feel like you're at home no matter which store you are
in. talk about how much you love their coffee and think it's the best tasting. do
the same thing in your interview. in other words, be ALL ABOUT them. lick their
balls a little. they really eat that shit up like candy. and don't worry about
lying. eventually everything you say will become true.

as for finding a Starbucks, go to Mapquest, type in your address and search
for the nearest one. i guarantee there will be at least like twenty-five stores
within a five-minute drive from your apartment. also, don't waste your time
filling out apps at stores who say they "aren't hiring but are always
accepting applications." someone else will be hiring. they are forever-growing,
all- encompassing, etc.

do not wear jeans to your interview. i don't remember making this mistake,
but Jodi told me the other day that she almost didn't hire me because of it.
i'd say a little skirt would be nice if you're just turning in an application. try
to hand it to the manager. the baristas are douchebags for the most part
and will loose it or spill something on it or set it on fire accidentally.

once you've scored a position, just sit back and let the health benefits at
twenty hours flow, (in four to five months) baby.

Next week: Putting Out Fires at Work: Literally and Tom and Joey from
Dawson's Creek: Will They Make It?