It's What You Think It Is

I sat cross-legged on my bright yellow bedspread in my bright yellow room in the second floor of my parents bright suburban home, staring at all of the tchachke (magazine clippings, like the word drugs or of Leo DiCaprio grabbing his crotch, some ribbon from a play I was in, a post card, etc.) and cried for a while. It was the first time life had felt just really overwhelming. I was in high school and back then, was very active in everything. It was my Senior year, I was in two choirs, a musical, two plays and was playing softball. I also wanted to get into college. On top of that, I was battling this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I had everything that I wanted, was healthy then, and aside from the faint hint of my parent's marriage falling apart, I was for all intents and purposes doing just fine. But regardless, I felt sad; dissapointed.

It had come down to softball. We were only about 3 games into the season, but already I was feeling the dissapointment. I was tottering between 2nd and 3rd string pitcher on a team where the 1st string pitcher never went out, even during double headers. I had worked so hard during conditioning and enjoyed my teammates and the game so much. It was a fun thing to do, but at the same time, I worried that I wasn't making time for myself; for my potential college education. I was tired and dissapointed, and while I wanted to want to stay, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.

I sat in my room that afternoon after practice struggling very hard with the decision to stick with the team and remain "under durress", or to let it go and give myself something for once: a break. Ultimately, I ended up sticking with softball, but my life never really changed. I made it through, obviously, and got into a college that I liked, but the dissapointment in life in general never really goes away. There are always times when I feel completely overwhelmed and depressed about life, despite my apparent good fortune. By nature, I am not a happy person (it makes me funnier, I think) and so in spite of a mostly good life, the tiny struggles like too many extracurriculars, or not enough attention to myself add up on me. Perhaps I am abnormally weak to the pressure, or perhaps it is my disposition (which I cannot improve) that creates a self-fulfilling prophesy for my life. I have made it this far in my 26 years, and perhaps will go on to do another 26 or so more, never quitting softball, but constantly wondering if I should.