The Most Important Stuff Ever

Monday, July 25, 2005

Sedaris, You Ass

Apparently someone has taken my voice and/or writing style and has successfully published several books with it. I just finished reading his book, "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. That guy has some funny shit, and is apparently making money with it. Should I have already been doing this?


thief

Sunday, July 24, 2005

I Suppose You're Wondering

This is one of those posts where I address my readership directly, litter them with details (or "dets" as Beth would say), and in turn, send them away bored. Deal with it.

OK, I'm here, as you may be able to tell from the last two posts (which I saved on my not-connected-to-the-internet computer until last night), and there is an apartment in the picture. If I hadn't already sent about a million text and picture messages this month, I would show you a picture of my new living room with the massive windows and neutral carpet. I live in Silver Spring, Maryland (remember?) next to the Giant Foods and CVS. A block over is Einstein's bagels and, my dream place of employment, Starbucks. (I don't know if they're hiring, and I still don't like coffee.) We have a pool and our utilities are included in the rent. Who is we? My brother, darling that he is, and provided his probation officer allows him (I'm not kidding), is moving in at the end of the month, because apparently that's as soon as he can get here. I envision myself paying more than half the rent...
Also coming up is my trip back to Wooster to get my stuff. I'm flying out of Reagan this time, the 10 extra bucks is worth it since I can take the train all the way there. I'm getting back on Wed., packing the rest of my crap, hanging out with people (social interaction!!) , and then driving back. We are having a major caravan with about 4-5 people. I hope they understand that I have no furniture or places to sleep.
It's fun to be able to independently travel around an area without having to rely on a generous friend to drive you. The Metro is a great thing, and i forsee it tapping into my budget a lot more than I thought it would. It's just too nice to be able to take a train to Old Navy/Best Buy/the National Cathedral to go and do something. It's wonderful. I wish I had someone to do it with.
Overall, the big city is being good to me. A couple of major things on the to-do list (find friends, get a job, etc.) and life will be peachy.
Or cherry blossom-y.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Underground, The Subway, The Metro

Things That Happened There:

  • I sat next to a Monk.
  • Some girl told some sweaty dude that her friend almost got arrested by the transit police for eating a cracker on the train.
  • My farecard was destroyed by the Metro Gods with more than 6 bucks left on it. They’ll send me my money back in 4-6 weeks.
  • I went up the wrong escalator.
  • I went down the wrong escalator.
  • I waited at the wrong platform at Metro Center.
  • I waited, by myself, in the semi-dark at St. George’s Plaza.
  • I got my suitcase stuck in the turnstile at Union Station.
  • A business man picked his nose.
  • A child repeatedly asked his mother if she farted. (She did not.)
  • I sat next to a T who asked me if the train normally stopped between stations. Yes, this is the red line.
  • My iPod ran out of batteries.
  • I managed to get on at Farragut West instead of Farragut North.
  • I bought a Smart Trip card, which makes you feel totally cool and totally local.

Also, I am paranoid that because of the steep incline of many of the escalators, that people are looking up my skirt.

Walk Left, Stand Right

I have become quite adept at navigating the Washington D.C. Metro system. At least the orange and red lines. As it turns out, I have moved to MARYLAND, Silver Spring to be exact, which is a city that wants to call itself “Little District.” There are big bright buildings outside my window at night, and live music in the courtyard three blocks from my apartment on Thursdays. Silver Spring also has an affinity for penguins, which I have not yet been able to figure out, but I like it nonetheless. (Exhibit A: Weird mural outside the subway of penguins coming and going from the Silver Spring Metro stop. Exhibit B: Random penguin statue outside of an office building. E insists that this is not a penguin, but a bird.

Maryland is nothing like West Virginia, this I am glad for. On a massive road trip with B, we noted several pieces of what can only be described as crap, lying either alongside the road or somewhere in a field. We changed the state motto to “West Virginia: Leave your shit here.” If I were going to change the Maryland state motto, based solely on one city, I would change it to “Come to Maryland, we’re almost D.C.” I don’t even know what the real state motto is; I’ll have to check out a license plate later. I also don’t know anything about Maryland state history, and as soon as I find a proper library (read: NOT the Silver Spring one-room-wonder), I’m checking out several books to catch myself up.

Maryland is also not like Ohio, which was pretty much the point to begin with. I assume there are places outside of Silver Spring that resemble the corn/soy/cow fields of Ohio, and that there are just as many republicans out there, but proximity means everything in this case. If I don’t see it, it must not exist.

I have no idea what the people are like here, but I have learned that the homeless are the same everywhere (at least here in comparison to Columbus, Cleveland and Dayton). There is a man in a wheelchair that I think might be blind, but I’ve also caught him possibly following the bounce, bounce of a large woman’s behind. He holds a 2 quart size container that probably used to hold macaroni salad from his local grocer’s deli waiting for me to drop a nickel or a cheeseburger in. One day I might. There is also an old man on the other side of the street from Might-Be-Blind who is the epitome of a homeless person. He has a long gray beard, doesn’t always wear a shirt on the most humid days and keeps all his belongings (I’m assuming) in two Giant Foods grocery bags. He sits cross-legged at the corner of the Starbucks staring at the ground and hoping for something worthwhile to fall into his Styrofoam cup. Might-Be-Blind and Typical-Bum keep me sane: Don’t forget why you came here, they’re probably telling me. Peoples’ Styrofoam cups are waiting…

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

We Love to Write and it Shows

Oh god, did I used to write things here?

It's been insanity. Pure insanity. To catch you up, I'll make you a list, because I do my best story telling that way...

  1. My last day of work was last Thursday. It was so bitchin. One office took me out to lunch and the other took my computer away so they could get it ready for the next person. The last day of work rocks. The day after the last day is even better when you know everyone else has put on their khakis and gone into the office for the day and you are sitting in front of channel 36 with no bra on watching Dawson's Creek and IMing all of them about how great it was to sleep past 9:00.
  2. I proceeded to do what I like to refer to as "dick around" for the next four days. During this time I packed one box and made five to do lists.
  3. On July 3, I watched my fourth and final version of the Wooster City fireworks from Kate's backyard. We drank Labatt's and tried to talk her 9 month old into falling asleep. He has since learned to crawl, and I attribute that mostly to everything his Auntie Megan has taught him.
  4. On July 4, I spent the day being in Ohio. By this I mean that I attended the 4th of July Fireman's parade in OrrVegas, Ohio. OrrVegas is about 15 minutes out from Wooster, in what direction, I don't know or care, all I can tell you is that they have more corn there than they do here. I shot about half a roll of film on things like clowns on motorcycles; hooched up little babies who claimed to be Lil' Miss Firecracker or Lil' Miss First Runner Up or Lil' Miss Gonna Have an Eating Disorder; the two little bitches across the street who could only shriek the word "candy" when the paradees walked by; and my very favorite, the tractor section, which was funny because they weren't tractors (since Orrville really has no true farms to speak of) but souped up lawnmowers with sweepers or blowers attached to the front. It was about 113 degrees out and part of my ass melted off, which in my case, is bad.
  5. My friends went on an office retreat for the past two days, and so I was finally left in peace to pack my things. Right.
  6. Today I fly out of Cleveland at 8:30pm. You may be saying to yourself, "But this post is dated 9:02, wtf?" Fortunately, you're reading the 'blog of the most retarded person on the face of the planet. I misread my itinerary (dumb bitch) and looked at the arrival time instead of the departure time. Fortunately, the lady at the counter was in a good mood and I was flying Q class (yeah, I don't know either) so they gave me an even trade for tomorrow at 10:30am. That's depart at 10:30 and arrive at 11:45. Numb nuts.
  7. Needless to say, I'm not finishing the packing that I didn't get done (they're letting me leave some of my stuff here so I can come get it later) but writing on this thing because I feel guilty for leaving you all high and dry.
Good list. I promise to write more when I have a topic that's worth sharing. The big city and no job should provide for a lot of time for that kind of thing.