To: Divorced Parents
From: The Girl and The Boy (your children)
Re: The Holidays
Cc: Grandma, Auntie, and Uncle & Family
It has come to our attention that since the recent dissolution of your marriage to each other that the holidays have become quite a pain in our asses. Until 2002, our family of four, while not doing what's known as "well," was greatly disrupted when you decided to stop living together. As I was still in college at the time, and my brother was still in high school, we were unable to determine "which end was up."
Since both of you refused to remain mature about the subject, and at least one person in the family must do so, I took on that role, being the one who did not have their head stuck up their ass. Since that time, it is my belief that I have remained in this role, but have been joined by my brother and on occasion the two of you. Fortunately, Grandma and Auntie have been consistently calm and supportive of our family situation.
Despite this, we would like to express our concern with the current situation. While the two of you are happy as pie, the two of us are stuck with the notion and logistics of being the children of divorce. In order to further enjoy life in our family, particularly the holidays, we are making the following demands:
1. Move closer together. We don't care where, but the hour drive between your two homes is getting annoying, especially when we are expected to be at dinner or another event by a certain time. As well, in many cases we have both traveled 2 1/2 hours to get to the first location/event.
2. Stop talking about how bad each other sucks. Your opinion ceased to count when you got divorced.
3. We will not attend two events in one day. We will attend one (1) Thanksgiving meal and one (1) Christmas event, including but not limited to the Christmas Eve service, opening presents (this is encouraged to occur frequently, but not on the same day), breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, and/or holiday sale shopping.
4. A total of one (1) bed and one (1) air mattress option will be available at each home. It is not necessary that a room is kept available at each location, however it is strongly encouraged that a room is left available at at least one location for The Boy, who has not graduated from college.
5. Do not ask what the other is doing/saying/buying/wearing/earning/etc. Your right to this information was waived upon your divorce, so give it up.
Given the concession to the above items, we feel that the family can once again function in some resemblance of normalcy. If you have questions or concerns about these terms, please feel free to contact me or my brother.
